So today started out good. I actually felt pretty good and was in a really good mood. Untill I started chatting to a friend about how I got blackout drunk Saturday night. When I drink I end up talking about my cousin. Then I feel guilty about talking about him. I feel guilty for being miserable all the time. I am trying to move on. It's just hard.

Then this person asked me if my cousin would have wanted me to feel this miserable for so long. Well I don't believe in heaven or hell so that just means he is gone. Nonexistant. Thats what kill me the most. That question though made me feel so horrifically guilty.

I know people are tired of me talking about him. I know they are tired of being around someone who is miserable. I am not stupid and I am fully aware of this. I just don't know how to move on. I don' t know how to heal from this. I don't understand how I am supposed to live a wonderful life when it will never be the same again.

I am just so tired of feeling guilty all the fucking time.