I feel fucking disgusting right now. IDK why. I just feel fucking horrible. I think I want to cry, but I don't know how anymore.

I feel sad today. Last night I  am pretty sure I cried in my sleep over my cousins death. Its been almost two years. I actually feel guilty for still missing him. I feel guilty for not moving on. My boyfriend got drunk last week and  told me it drives him nuts that every time I get drunk I end up hysterically crying over this still. Now I feel even more guilty for ruining everyones life and being an attention whore. I cant escape.