I am falling asleep and its only 830pm. I find that hillarious. I should have more energy and motivation than I have. Tomorrow is shopping with my mom at 730am. Move the weight set. Im going to start lifting and get stronger. Everyone thinks its stupid. I dont think so because everyone knows muscle burns more calories than anything.

I have been binging still. Its on healthy food because I threw all the crap out. Seriously though I want to crawl under a rock somtimes. I feel like an outcast. Like I don't belong anywhere. Im having anxiety attacks more often because of the fear of being alone forever. I just can't connect with people anymore. My mind doesn't allow it to happen.
I'm supposed to go to my cousins house in mid November. I don't even want to go because I feel like she doesn't even like me. Like shes faking it and is just being nice to me.
I wish I could just be normal.

Insert cheeky title here

Today was hard. I was having trouble seeing and started feeling extremely pissed off for no apparent reason. Im thinking it was low blood sugar. I got home and binged on bread and hummus, two egg sandwiches, a bowl of chocolate rice cereal, and now I am having a Bud Select. My stomach is feeling disgusting.
I desperately need to get back on track. I am feeling so run down and its because I am eating utter bullshit everyday. I know what I need to do. Now I just have to follow my plan.

It's me against the world

My cousin died about 10 months and 3 weeks ago.

Today I deleted every person who didn't give a damn from my facebook.

I blocked some numbers from my phone too because I feel they didn't care enough.

Im starting a new life. I couldn't be more excited.


My phone didn't ring for four days after my cousin died, even though I called and texted my three closest friends the moment I found out. That thought weighs on my mind everyday. I don't even feel guilty for hating these people. I know I shouldn't, but I don't know how to not hate them.


I'm also sick and tired of everyone telling me that "It was gods plan", or "It was his time to go". FUCK YOU! That is complete bullshit. He was 21. It was no where near his "time". I don't even believe in people having a "time". Anyone who says that can just fuck off.

Sunday Afternoons

Sometimes I hate the weekend. It just reminds me of all the shit that I should be doing, that I am obviously not doing. I just end up online and watching the television. I have reached a new level of pathetic.

Getting rid of the fucking bullshit.

I just blocked a number from my phone. Lets just call him JG. He knew when Joe died and just keeps expecting me to be the same person I always was. Well keep living your life like you always have motherfucker. Now you can do it without me. I am done with you and all of  your pathetic bullshit. Your fucking 31 and have nothing to your name and no reasonable goals that a normal adult should have. I find you to be a fucking douchebag.

Today Starts A New Day

Okay I am starting this blog have a place to write about my everyday life. Somtimes I just need a place to say what needs to be said without offending everyone around me. Haha. Yeah right. I am a total control freak. I have to run and manage everyone around me. It pisses me off when people try and take this control away. Yeah I think I have problems, but then again, don't we all?