Most people are excited for their birthdays right? Not me. I dreaded it. Yesterday was my 27th (although I am still claiming that I am 21) birthday and it was one of the shittiest days I have ever had in a long time.
I had been having a hard time dealing with my cousin's death and for some reason most of the inner pain decided to attach itself to my birthday. I just wanted to be a fucking recluse. No plans of drunken mayhem. I even hid my birthday on facebook. That's how much I was dreading it. For two days leading up to I had been texting my bestie, L, telling her that I felt down and sick inside and was having reoccouring thoughts of J's death, the funeral, the burial. I literally had an ache in my chest and felt sick for days.
She tried to sympathize with me and suggested a shrink, which I had been contemplating for a while now. On the morning of my day of birth I got up early, got some coffee, and watched the sun come up at my cousin's grave. I then proceeded to cry for about 15 minutes (something I hadn't done in a very long time). Then when I decided I could finally leave I cried the whole way home. So I text L that very incident and asked her if she wanted to work out later that day. I had been trying to get with her for weeks now. I was just in need of a little girl time and wanted to vent out some shit. I thought she was the friend I could do that with. She always asks me for shit, but I feel like I am her last option. She couldn't even spare 2 hours to help me relax. Thats all I asked for and I was denied, on my fucking birthday.
My mother sent me a "Happy Birthday" on fucking facebook. Thanks. Real thoughtful. Im not asking for anything but some acknowledgement.
My dad just decided to call me tonight. The day after the fact. I actually am pretty shocked he called. Im sure someone reminded him. Beggars can't be choosers. I'll take what I can get.
So that night I have a breakdown in front of the boyfriend about how I feel that he is the only one who cares about me. In the end he says hes stressed out. Fucking wonderful. I stress you out. Lovely. My bad for saying anything. Next time I won't.
All in all it was a pretty shitfuck day. Im glad its over. I played hooky today and don't have to think about work untill 7am Monday morning.
So today I popped some Welbutrin and became insanely focused on cleaning the house. On the plus side I don't feel hungry when I am on them either. A nice little bonus.
I did laundry, cleaned the kitchen and floors, cleared off counters, and cleaned the bathroom.
Tomorrow is finish the bathroom, sort through clothes, set up spare room/office, take shit out to the shed, and grocery store to buy N more food because he eats like crazy.
Another bonus of Welbutrin... insomnia... fucking love it.
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