I feel fucking disgusting right now. IDK why. I just feel fucking horrible. I think I want to cry, but I don't know how anymore.

I feel sad today. Last night I  am pretty sure I cried in my sleep over my cousins death. Its been almost two years. I actually feel guilty for still missing him. I feel guilty for not moving on. My boyfriend got drunk last week and  told me it drives him nuts that every time I get drunk I end up hysterically crying over this still. Now I feel even more guilty for ruining everyones life and being an attention whore. I cant escape.

Alrighty. Um lots of things new here. One of which is the fact that I am fucking fat as hell. Yeah. I wanna cry.
Anyways my boyfriend want to move in. Well kinda. He wants to move in but is afraid of what his parents will say.
So fucking frustrating.
I deleted my facebook because my brother and cousins are pieces of shit that don't include me in anything. I swear they fucking hate me because I have short black hair and piercings.
They are my new inspiration to diet and look like a fucking knock out.
Fuck you assholes.

Guilt and Anxiety

So last week I missed 20 hours of work. Why? Because I had an anxiety attack so horrible I thought I was going to collapse and wake up in a hospital room. I think Im officially loosing my mind.
My Naturalist gave me a homeopathic remedy. One of its triggers is deep grief.
Seems to fit since I have had to play adult for everyone since X's death almost a year and a half ago.
18 months and I am still a worthless wreck.

Got a text today from the bf. He says hes tired and needs vitamins. He used to work out all the time. I know I am the reason he has no time for working out anymore.

Life makes me feel so guilty.

The aftermath of a shitty day and night.

Most people are excited for their birthdays right? Not me. I dreaded it. Yesterday was my 27th (although I am still claiming that I am 21) birthday and it was one of the shittiest days I have ever had in a long time.

I had been having a hard time dealing with my cousin's death and for some reason most of the inner pain decided to attach itself to my birthday. I just wanted to be a fucking recluse. No plans of drunken mayhem. I even hid my birthday on facebook. That's how much I was dreading it. For two days leading up to I had been texting my bestie, L, telling her that I felt down and sick inside and was having reoccouring thoughts of J's death, the funeral, the burial. I literally had an ache in my chest and felt sick for days.

She tried to sympathize with me and suggested a shrink, which I had been contemplating for a while now. On the morning of my day of birth I got up early, got some coffee, and watched the sun come up at my cousin's grave. I then proceeded to cry for about 15 minutes (something I hadn't done in a very long time). Then when I decided I could finally leave I cried the whole way home. So I text L that very incident and asked her if she wanted to work out later that day. I had been trying to get with her for weeks now. I was just in need of a little girl time and wanted to vent out some shit. I thought she was the friend I could do that with. She always asks me for shit, but I feel like I am her last option. She couldn't even spare 2 hours to help me relax. Thats all I asked for and I was denied, on my fucking birthday.

My mother sent me a "Happy Birthday" on fucking facebook. Thanks. Real thoughtful. Im not asking for anything but some acknowledgement. 

My dad just decided to call me tonight. The day after the fact. I actually am pretty shocked he called. Im sure someone reminded him. Beggars can't be choosers. I'll take what I can get. 

So that night I have a breakdown in front of the boyfriend about how I feel that he is the only one who cares about me. In the end he says hes stressed out. Fucking wonderful. I stress you out. Lovely. My bad for saying anything. Next time I won't.

All in all it was a pretty shitfuck day. Im glad its over. I played hooky today and don't have to think about work untill 7am Monday morning. 

So today I popped some Welbutrin and became insanely focused on cleaning the house. On the plus side I don't feel hungry when I am on them either. A nice little bonus. 

I did laundry, cleaned the kitchen and floors, cleared off counters, and cleaned the bathroom.

Tomorrow is finish the bathroom, sort through clothes, set up spare room/office, take shit out to the shed, and grocery store to buy N more food because he eats like crazy.

Another bonus of Welbutrin... insomnia... fucking love it.

Quit smoking and I am now paying for it...

I quit smoking and now I am binging every night. I disgust myself so much right now. I just want to sleep untill tomorrow. Maybe some Theraflu tonight to knock me out.

I am such a failure.

Who the hell orders 15+ dollars in chinese food? Someone that is stuck in a binge cycle. This is so embarassing...
lii|;)' *J.M.R. 88-10*